What Can a Cat Do?
by OrangeInk101a
Summary: Alex can survive with being suddenly thrust into a strange new world. She can live being surrounded by kick-ass ninja. She can adapt to not having a voice to call her own. She can handle all the wars and death. She can suffer not having all of that cool magical stuff called chakra. What she can't handle however, is being stuck in a feline body!
1. Deserts

Lesson One: Never eat Shredded Wheat.

My death was somewhat a comical one. If I was watching it on some show I would be laughing my ass off at the stupidity.

I choked on shredded wheat.

Yeah.

I chocked on that kid friendly-super nutritious cereal while watching the morning news.

What was even sadder?

I was certified in Cardiopulmonary Resuscitation (CPR.)

In my defense I tried the self chair thrust, which consisted of basically body slamming your diaphragm on a back of a chair.

All that succeeded was breaking two ribs and slowly the pain made my vision fizz out.

One the other hand, do you know how _scary_ it is to suffocate? The moment you can't breath you try to fish around in the air like some fish. Your arms flop around-even then they are getting heavy with the lack of oxygen, your brain has this nice little cloud of fog settling over it.

You try everything to breathe again, I'm pretty sure I clawed the complete innards of my throats to shreds while trying to breathe. I practically punched my uvula and tonsils trying to puke so I could take in air. That didn't work either, I was starting to get dizzy-about to pass out-my cell phone! It was on the coffee table-I thought sluggishly. I lifted my foot up, I was starting to feel lethargic, my mind trying to process everything going on-the box of cereal scattered across the room. I tripped, my vision is spinning my head is compressing on itself. Help me, I dialed 911.

Someone answered the phone, _help me_! I couldn't speak-couldn't do anything-blackness.

When I awoke I was on a sandy terrain, _huh_?

I picked my head up and looked around how did I get here?

I looked down at the billowy sands and picked my head off of the sandy ground, I blinked to get the sand encrusted part out of my eyes.

If this was death-this was lame.

A desert. Really? No bright lights? No singing angels? No sexy men in speedo's ready to serve me grapes? I mean what the fuck?

Somehow I was really disappointed.

I sighed and stood up and looked around, so what did I do now? Did I walk? Did I just stay here?

There was a green cactus right next to me, spikes about as big as my hand-at least, that's what I thought. This cactus was on steroids, it towered over a good few feet over my head. Steroid cactus, I decided.

Then a furry black thing obscured the corner of eyes, huh?

I looked behind me and jumped, there was a furry black _thing_ on my behind! And my body was covered in black and white speckled fur!

What the fuck?

God, if you love me right now you would appear and tell me that being a cat was a complete joke.

Silence.

"Fuck!" Except that came out as a tiny mew, I twisted in circles over and over like a dog, but I wasn't a dog.

I was a cat.

Me, being messed up in the head, my first thought was-"But dogs are so much better!"

* * *

Hey, new story! Don't worry, I'm still working on the other ones! Please leave a review:)


	2. Revelation

Lesson two: Don't count your blessings before they hatch.

Did anyone ever tell you that the desert was HOT? Really-no? Well, basically the definition of a 'desert' is where humans go if they want to resemble a pastry that comes out of an oven. Then, think of a fuzzy human (with a tail) with a thick coat and zero protection against the burning sands.

I didn't really know what was going on-and I didn't even want to think of the friends and family I missed desperately. But I was some small animal, in a place far more dangerous than my home.

But I also wasn't stupid enough to go wandering through the desert in the _middle of the day_ to go searching for civilization.

No, instead I prayed for the small blessing I was given and waited patiently in the shade of the cactus.

When I got bored I started knocking of the thin spikes of the cactus-and when that was done (In which it was just about the start of the sunset) I bit into the green thing and started to suck.

Cactus stored water, water was necessary for survival, I was thirsty. Hungry too, but since I was now a cat I knew better that eating greens would just make me throw up.

Another problem was, a lot of predators came out at night in the desert. I would have to avoid them in my search, and get to another "base" or cactus such as this one if I wanted to survive the next day.

And-it also got cold at night. So cold, that sometimes it went below freezing. So no matter what, I couldn't break through the night, I had to keep walking or else I might die from the temperature.

A lot of dangers in the desert. A lot of dangers…

"I'm royally screwed aren't I?" I mewed and pawed my nose nervously. I didn't even know what I looked like, other than the black and white stripes all over my back. Occasionally, I thought I'd see a hint of orange but I'd blink and It would be gone.

Maybe If I was human, I'd survive, I could take a good chunk of the cactus with me to eat. As a cat I couldn't take food with me (As I was missing thumbs.) However if I was human right now, I'd have third degree burns (because a tiny cactus would give me no protection against the harmful rays.) So, it was good I was a cat in a way, also, I doubted I'd survive the night well in human for due to its temperatures without the fur. Though now I'd have to worry about all sorts of predators-not snakes, as I would have been if I had been human.

But the trick to survival was to keep moving. Sometimes being paranoid about things was good, if you ever landed in some sort of accident.

Like she had been now.

Was this a dream?

Was she really just asleep?

Was she really feeling the sand irritating her skin underneath the newly grown fur?

It felt real, so she'd act like it was real.

But she thought of the _person_ she'd _used_ to be. Alexandra Fisher. Or, just Alex Fish. (A nickname she got when coming first in a swim competition.)

Small Cat Alex started to sneak across the desert just when the last rays were stretching over the sand, and she made way to the mountains in the distance.

I eased my small body into a gentle gallop, occasionally stopping to bat the prickles off the cactus's for a drink. But I didn't want to get caught out in the desert sun again, I wasn't sure if I'd survive. A human can go almost a week without food, and less without water. But switching species? I wasn't sure If I'd survive that long without some sort of substance. How long could cats survive on simple cactus water? The shadowed peaks in the distance seemed like forever off.

"Heha! Zetsu-san! Look what Tobi's found!" I felt my furry body being scooped up and jumbled around in the air. I meowed and hissed at my attacked, trying to scratch my (relatively new) claws into the newcomer.

"Aah! Bad kitty!"

I wriggled around to my new arch nemesis and froze.

I was in the arms of some extreme cosplayer of 'Tobi' from Naruto.

That's right.

I blinked and then gave a furry cat grin, I was saved! Perhaps, if these people weren't too messed up they'd carry me out of the desert and give me food until I figured out what to do with this time. (I didn't however think of the troubling way I didn't hear or see anyone until they were suddenly there. Since I had better hearing and smelling, I disregarded the fact that I should have been able to sense them long ago.

But all my worries about survival broke when I saw a giant man poke his head _out of the ground._

"Tobi, **_put the cat down_**." My jaw was hanging open at the sight of the man half out of the ground, split right down the middle with an all too _alive_ flytrap around his head. "**_Sasori no Dana said he would meet us here. _**We are early.**_" _**

I don't care what anyone says. No cosplayer's could do it that well and fake the effects of morphing out of the ground in the middle of the desert. No one could fake their entire consciousness being transferred to a tiny cat.

This wasn't a dream.

My brain just broke.

…

Okay, so no Gaara.

Yet.

This is just when the Akatsuki is taking on Sasori, hence desert. Sasori joined sometime before Itachi (because he was paired with Orochimaru) so this is a good few years before canon starts.

Why did I do it so soon?

Well, the most appropriate title should be, _What can a cat do to fuck up the Naruto canon?_

I think this is one of the smallest chapters I have ever written, I'll write more next time! Please leave comments, questions or reviews below!:)


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